Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
