accomplished twins. life is a go
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
