i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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