the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
