I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize