From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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