conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
