if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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