Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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