she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
