Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
