Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
