Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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