Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
