Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize