You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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