The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
