it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
