I smell stomach acid.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
