how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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