I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You're like the curious george of whores
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
