You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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