I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
