my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
