So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
