what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
