Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
