Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
