I swear she didn't look like that last week.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
