i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
