I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
