i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
