Girls should come with a carfax report
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
