my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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