On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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