I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
