does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Randomize
