His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
