Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
and you fell through a lawn chair
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
