my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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