You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
