I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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