and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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