I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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