My hand turned me down
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
