my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
