I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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