New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
