he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
