Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize