If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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