Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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