I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
