The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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