Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm really busy with my period
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