somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
