totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
