dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
