I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
