Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
