I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
