a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He keeps bees of course he's weird
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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