even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
